Turbo Turtle Adventure

I don’t know what I expected from Turbo Turtle Adventure, and since it’s impossible to go back to a time where I was unaware of Turbo Turtle Adventure I cannot begin to speculate, but Turbo Turtle Adventure is what happens when you decide to cram the play control of Marble Madness into a puzzle game featuring a cute turtle that is as addictive as it is hellish.

The blurb actually does sum it up nicely:

Help Turbo Turtle win his freedom to once again swim the sea. Trapped on the ‘Isle of Mazes’ you must guide Turbo Turtle through deceitful labyrinths and nasty traps. Collect keys to unlock doorways, avoid the super magnets and utilize the turbo boost feature to try and beat your fastest time. This innovative title blends the basic balancing act of Super Monkey Ball with the mind-bending key-and-switch puzzles found in the Zelda games.

For some reason the blurb on HowLongToBeat has been shortened to, “GUIDE TURBO TURTLE THROUGH DECEITFUL LABYRINTHS AND NASTY TRAPS TO WIN HIS FREEDOM… TO ONCE AGAIN SWIM THE SEA,” and I feel like volumes of pain and suffering are conveyed in those caps locks. To be clear: I am a shitty casual, I will always be a shitty casual, I will die a shitty casual, and I have never hidden this from any of you. I died I don’t know, 12 times on Level 2. It doesn’t matter. What matters is this game will take you to an extra-dimensional realm to teach you the ways of experimental masochism. Basically, it’s Pinhead if Pinhead were a turtle.

I love Marble Madness even though I’ve never gotten past level 3 and repeatedly revisit it (the Game Boy version is my favorite). This game pulls at me in a similar way.